I Can't Believe This Is Goodbye
by Search.For.The.Light
Summary: I decided to write out the songs "Halloween" and "Goodbye love" because, well, they needed to be written out. So yeah. Based on the movie version. It's pretty much drabble, but I'd appreciate it if you'd read and review.


**A/N: So, I watched RENT for the first time the other night. I BAWLED MY EYES OUT. Like, seriously. Tears. And so, I decided to write out the songs "Halloween" and "Goodbye love" because, well, they needed to be written out. So yeah. Based on the movie version! Read and Review!**

"How did we get here?"

Mark didn't even recognize his voice. In fact, ever since Angel died, he didn't recognize himself at all. Everything was falling apart, and there was nothing he could do. He had to be strong. Strong for Roger, for Mimi, for everyone. And yet, he didn't get a moment to greive. Even today, the day of Angel's funeral. Mark climbed the hill that lined the graves, stopping at a tree.

"How the hell - pan left. Close on the steeple of the church." He turned, framing the church with his hands, like a little kid pretending to take a picture with his camera. His camera. When was the last time he had actually picked it up? New Years? Christmas Eve?

Mark laughed, but there was no mirth to it. "Christmas. Christmas Eve, last year." That was when. It had all been there. He clenched his fists, punching the tree next to him. "How could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How could a mourning this mild be so wrong?" Everything felt so… numb. Either that, or it hurt so much. "Why are entire years strune on the cutting room floor of memories, where single frames from one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3D IMAX of my mind?"

Mark smiled to himself. "That's poetic. That's pathetic." He closed his eyes, remembering everything. "Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door, and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel set up his drums? Why did Maureen's equipment break down? Why am I the witness?"

His voice broke. "And when I capture it on film, will it mean that it's the end and I'm alone." Everyone else would be leaving. Angel… Angel was only the beginning. And for that reason, Mark's heart was breaking.

Later, after the funeral, Mimi approached Roger. Everyone had noticed that Mimi was getting thinner and weaker. Mark knew Roger was ignoring it - too scared and too sad to bring himself to deal with reality. Mark had tried to talk to him about it and was only rebuffed. Mimi hadn't been back to the loft in forever - no, she had been with Benny. Mark suspected that was one of the reasons Roger wouldn't talk to her. But today… Today was different.

"It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?" Mimi's voice was quiet, almost hesitant. Roger looked at her, as if surprised to hear her speak, then his expression hardened.

"It's true. I'm leaving now for Santa Fe. It's true you're with this yuppie scum?" He pointed an accusing finger to Benny, who came up behind Mimi.

"You said you'd never speak to him again." Benny seemed reminded Mimi gently, putting a hand on her shoulder.

She shied away, whispering, "Not now."

Maureen stared at Benny, furious. "Who said that you had any say in who she said things to at all?" How dare Benny say that? She glanced at Mimi, looking so thin and pale. She didn't deserve that. Maureen barely heard Roger's comment of, "yeah" before Joanne jumped in.

"Who said that you should stick your nose in other people's -"

"Who said I was talking to you!" Maureen snapped at her ex, clenching her fists.

Joanne held up her hands, at her breaking point as well. "We use to have this fight each night, she never admit I existed!" The pain in her voice made Maureen turn around, not able to face the lawyer.

"Calm down!" Mark pleaded. This wasn't the time or place to be arguing! The blonde man grabbed Joanne's arm, only to be shoved off. "Everyone, please!"

Mimi laughed, a choked brittle. "He was the same way, always run away, hit the road, don't commit, you're full of shit!" She yelled the part at Roger, who growled low in his throat, like a dog

"Mimi!" Benny said in a warning tone of voice.

"She's in denial," Joanne said, indicating Maureen.

"He's in denial," Mimi accused, glaring at Roger.

"Guys!" begged Mark, looking at his friends, coming between Roger and Mimi.

"Didn't give an inch when I gave a mile!" Mark knew Joanne had tried. But both of them had known, way back before Maureen's protest, that Maureen was a flirt. Commitment seemed impossible.

"I gave a mile!" Mimi had also tried so hard too. Mark had seen what she had gone through, with withdrawals. But it hadn't seemed to be enough.

"Gave a mile to whom?" Roger snapped back at Mimi.

"Come on guys, chill!"

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had. Someone to live for, unafraid to say "I love you"!" Both Joanne and Mimi looked at their respective exes, Joanne's eyes full of tears, Mimi's face drawn and broken.

"All your words are nice Mimi, but love's not a three way street. You'll never share real love until you love yourself, I should know!" Roger said the words brokenly, but Mark saw the open slap in the face to Mimi. She stared at him, hurt in her gaze, until Collins, holding Angel's beloved drumsticks, came between them.

"You all said you'd be cool today, so please. For my sake." The man dropped his hands, looking at everyone. "I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe you're going," the professor looked at Roger, who couldn't meet his eye. "I can't believe this family must die. Angel helped us believe in love. I can't believe you'd disagree."

Everyone looked to where Angel's grave was being lowered into the ground. "I can't believe this is goodbye…" the words were whispered, painful.

As Maureen wiped tears from Joanne's face, whispering apologies, Mark watched Roger walk off, leaving Mimi behind, tears silently rolling down her cheeks.

Mark entered the loft to see Roger finishing his packing. For a moment, neither one of them said anything, the weight of everything that had happened at Angel's funeral bearing down on them. Finally, voice quiet, Mark said, "I hear there are great restaurants out west."

"Some of the best." Roger answered, though his mind obviously wasn't on the restaurants in Santa Fe. "How could she?"

"How could you let her go?" Mark shot back.

"You just don't know. How could we lose Angel?" Roger's voice cracked at the end.

Mark faced his friend, hoping, praying, he could get this across to him. "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain." First April, now Mimi. And all Roger was doing was running away. The first time to drugs, now to Santa Fe. And it was only going to hurt him in the end, Mark was sure of it. "At least now, if you try, Angel's death won't be in vain."

"His death is in vain!" the words were sharp, yet empty.

Mark stared, horrified and saddened by his friends' words. "Are you insane? There's so much to care about. There's me, there's Mimi." Mark was Roger's best friend. Or at least, he had thought so, before all of this. And Mimi… Roger loved Mimi. How could he let her go?

"Mimi's got her baggage too."

"So do you."

Roger violently stuffed a shirt into his bag. "Who are you to tell me what I know? What to do?"

"A friend." Mark whispered.

"But who, Mark, are you?" Roger rounded on the blonde man, red-rimmed eyes boring into his. "Mark has got his work, they say Mark lives for his work and Mark's in love with his work. Mark hides in his work." The accusation was flung at Mark, and he stared.

"From what?" he demanded.

"From facing your failure. Facing your loneliness. Facing the fact you live a lie." Roger poked Mark in the chest, forcing him to take a step back. Mark opened his mouth to protest, but Roger cut him off. "Yes, you live a lie! Tell you why! You're always preaching not to be numb, but that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive!"

"Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive!" Mark shouted. He would be the only one left. After Roger died, after Collins… What would happen to him?

"Poor baby." Roger said, turning away.

Mark had to try, one last time, to reach out to his friend. "Mimi still loves you. Are you really jealous?" Jealous of Benny? They were friends. That's it. Anyone could see that… anyone but Roger. "Or are you afraid that Mimi's weak?" Physically? Emotionally? What?

"Mimi did look pale…" Roger said, voice trailing off as he stared at the duffle bag in front of him.

"Mimi's gotten thin, Mimi's running out of time, and you're running out the door!"

"No more!" Roger held up his hand, as if to physically stop Mark's words. "I've gotta go." The taller man headed for the door, and Mark couldn't help but say one last thing.

"Hey!" Roger stopped, turning slightly. "For someone who's always been let down, who's heading out of town?"

Roger turned on his heel, anger and sadness mixed on his face and pointed to his camera. "For someone who's always longed for a community of his own, who's with his camera? Alone."

Mark felt like he had been slapped in the face. He took a step back, turning away from his friend. Roger seemed to realize he had crossed a line and reached out to grab Mark's arm, only to let his arm fall. "I'll call." the hoarse promise was met with silence. "I hate the fall."

Mark turned to watch his friend opened the door - and there stood Mimi, frail looking, tear streaked, and her arms wrapped around her body. Roger stared at her, as if he had seen a ghost. "You heard?" he whispered.

"Every word." Mimi's voice cracked painfully, and she swallowed hard as he pushed passed her. Mark walked closer to them, catching her words. "You don't want baggage without life time garuntees. You don't want to watch me die…. I just came to say goodbye, love."

Her voice held so much pain. Why couldn't Roger see that? He stood still as she touched his arm. "I just came to say goodbye love, good bye love. Bye, love."

"Glory… One blaze of glory… I have to find it." Roger tore down the stairs, passing Benny, who came up behind Mimi again, touching her shoulder.

"Please don't touch me, understand, I'm scared. I need to… go away." Mimi flinched away from Benny's gentle touch, and Mark stepped up.

"I know a place, a clinic." he offered.

Mimi looked quickly at Benny. Benny had the money. "Benny, could you?"

"I'll pay." The man said quietly.

Mimi couldn't seem to handle it anymore. She ran down the stairs, too her door. She rushed to the window, watching Roger pull away. Her heart seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces as she watched him drive off. "Goodbye love. Hello…" she swallowed, feeling dizzy. "Disease…"


End file.
